Just the other day all was good in China. The dragon was rising, other countries were quivering. Then suddenly we have a shift. We go from Karo Na Pyaar Hai to Corona Virus Hai. If we look back at history, and mind you, that is a very stupid sentence because you can’t look forward at history. Although, if history does repeat itself, then when you look back at history, you are also looking forward at the same time. Anyway, please stop arguing. Looking back at history, humanity has suffered so many great diseases. The Loci, the Bubonic Plague, Kim Jong-il, all spring to mind. Along with misery, these diseases had another great point in common. Everyone and their sick mother would dispense advice on how to cope and identify this disease. Some say this continuous stream of unsolicited advice is worse than the disease itself. In the days of the Bubonic plague, the top 5 pieces of advice were (a) Avoid monkeys, (b) Avoid monkey bars, (c) Avoid hairy people, (d) Don’t park too close to the curb, and (e) Return your monkey. All these were erroneous. Mostly because the plague was not caused by baboons, but by a French doctor called Dr Moreau. Who, truth be told, may have had a pet baboon. Although some argued that was simply his hirsute, muscular wife. So, you see from all this, a lot of ‘fake’ news, to quote Donald Trump, is being dispelled. What’s true for before is true for now. So let me, as a humanitarian first, and a medical professional without a degree second, help people understand, myths and facts about today’s Bubonic Plague – The Coronavirus. Which goes by many different names but since those are in Mandarin and Cantonese, we will stick to the virus, corona.
Myth One – The coronavirus does not affect left-handers. This is not strictly true. The virus is definitely more drawn toward right-handers. Or people who are ‘righties’. Not necessarily of right wing philosophy, and remember a right hander is not a right winger. C M Yogi Adityanath likes to ask for lifts on the highway using his left hand and we all know how far right he swerves. Why the partiality towards right handers, you ask? Only the virus can answer. Let’s put it this way: if the Cricket 20/20 World Cup was held in China right now, it would be safer to send Shikar Dhawan, rather than Rohit Sharma, to open the innings.
Myth Two – Cough & cold are clear symptoms of coronavirus. Again, not strictly true. There are 27 known symptoms of having the coronavirus and every day that number is increasing. Locking up everyone with colds & coughs in quarantine would be a cruel measure. On second thoughts, who wants to hear someone incessantly blowing their nose all day? And really, who wants their heart-rate affected by a piercing, throaty cough again and again? So the suggestion is quarantine 50%, one out of two of the people who display cough and cold. For the record, the Chinese Govt has given a list of symptoms that will lead to people being locked up forthwith (a) Anyone with the first name Chang, (b) People who protest, especially in Hongkong, (c) Citizens who don’t have portraits of Xi Jing Ping in their living rooms, (d) Americans, and (e) More Americans. Trust the Chinese, in their quiet efficient way, to get to the bottom of this.
Myth Three – The virus can be spread by touch. This is not true. If it were, then the virus would have died a quick death in China. It would never have been able to spread. This is because the democratic Chinese Govt in 1971 banned touching amongst citizens. This was their first comprehensive step to population control. China also banned hugging, copulating, and patting your nephew in a public park. Sadly, India is still to follow suit. It’s a difficult act to follow as India has far too many nephews and very few public parks. The bottom line is if you see someone that has the coronavirus around you, don’t be alarmed. In a calm, methodical and mature manner, scream loudly whilst pointing at him, and run as fast and as far away as you can.
Myth Four – Only cases of coronavirus in India are confined to Kerala. This is absolute rubbish. Not only are there other cases across the country, but there is enough evidence to show that the virus originated in India and then was loaned out to China. Who as usual like to take credit for any and all startups. What is the proof? The answer is in the very name itself. Corona is not a word in any Chinese dialect, including French. It is, however, very much part of Indian lexicon. India has a beer, a shoe company, as well as a hit Hindi song (mentioned in the beginning of this article) all who answer to the name corona. And female for corona, Kareena － you all know who that is. Make no mistake the virus originated in the motherland. And she is not just alive and well in Kerala. Look at the number of people wearing masks in Delhi, for instance, should tell you something.
Myth Five – There is no cure. Skeptics are everywhere. The same people have said many stupid things such as, the earth is square. Abraham Lincoln was native American. Justin Bieber can sing. The list is endless. When it comes to the coronavirus, let me assure you there is a cure. Indian and Chinese scientists are working on it every single second. If they put their observations together, they will have a complete cure. Sadly, as of now, the Indian and Chineese scientists are not talking to one another. In the meanwhile, here is a list of things that have not worked – (a) Rubbing your stomach three times clockwise (anti-clockwise has not been tried, so please go ahead), (b) Homeopathy, (c) Chyawanprash, and (d) Revital capsules.
The coronavirus is a disease in progress. This means that myths and non-facts will fly thick and fast. The reader is advised to follow the rule of four, i.e. disregard the first three pieces of information, while lightly digesting the fourth. Meanwhile, there is some good news, at last a silver lining amongst the clouds of virus. Travellers rejoice. Return tickets to Shanghai & Wuhan are down by 80%. A word of caution though. Better to wait a while. If the situation gets worse, tickets will be even cheaper.